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Quote	Author	Rating	Rate
"A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe."	Pierre Berton
"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."	Steve Martin
"All the people throughout my life who were naysayers pissed me off. But they've all given me a fervor; an angry ambition that cannot be stopped - and I look forward to finding a therapist and working on that."	Tobey Maguire
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."	Woody Allen
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."	Mark Twain
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."	Benjamin Franklin
"Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!"	Steve Martin
"Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed."	William Jennings Bryan
"Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance."	Author Unknown
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."	Charles Schulz
"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."	Steve Martin
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted."	Fred Allen
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."	George Burns
"Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town."	Steve Martin
"How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?"	Charles de Gaulle
"I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis."	Douglas Adams
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."	Steve Martin
"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."	Mike Tyson
"I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens."	Dwight Eisenhower
"I don't care what is written about me, so long as it isn't true."	Dorothy Parker

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Browse Comedy quotes by Author:

Abraham Lincoln	Author Unknown	Benjamin Franklin
Bill Maher	Bobcat Goldthwait	Charles de Gaulle
Charles Schulz	Dorothy Parker	Douglas Adams
Dwight Eisenhower	Ellen DeGeneres	Fran Lebowitz
Fred Allen	George Burns	Groucho Marx
Henny Youngman	Jon Stewart	Larry Ellison
Leo Gallagher	Mark Twain	Mel Brooks
Mike Tyson	Orson Welles	Pierre Berton
Rodney Dangerfield	Samuel Goldwyn	Stephen King
Steve Martin	Tobey Maguire	Tom Lehrer
Will Rogers	William Jennings Bryan	Woody Allen

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