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Quote	Author	Rating	Rate
"I've occasionally heard that I was kicked out of Harvard for being a Communist, for dealing drugs, for corrupting minors, or for diverse other infractions of local decorum. Unfortunately, none of these rumors are true. The one I've heard more often is that I am dead. That one I encouraged, hoping it would cut down on the junk mail. It didn't."	Tom Lehrer
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."	Orson Welles
"My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am."	Author Unknown
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."	Henny Youngman
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is."	Ellen DeGeneres
"My son first wanted to go to Stanford, which I thought was O.K. The weather is pretty good, and it's a fairly short drive to the beach. But it wouldn't be as good as let's say, Pepperdine, which is in Malibu. And he said, 'Dad, what about the education?' I said, 'Clearly, I failed as a parent.'"	Larry Ellison
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws."	Douglas Adams
"Nothing you can't spell will ever work."	Will Rogers
"Of course the meek will inherit the earth, what, did you think they'd take it by force?"	Author Unknown
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read."	Groucho Marx
"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk."	Stephen King
"Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me."	Bobcat Goldthwait
"Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down."	Steve Martin
"Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable."	Fran Lebowitz
"The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right."	Mark Twain
"The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles."	Bill Maher
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."	Groucho Marx
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"	Jon Stewart
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times."	Mark Twain
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."	Mel Brooks

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Browse Comedy quotes by Author:

Abraham Lincoln	Author Unknown	Benjamin Franklin
Bill Maher	Bobcat Goldthwait	Charles de Gaulle
Charles Schulz	Dorothy Parker	Douglas Adams
Dwight Eisenhower	Ellen DeGeneres	Fran Lebowitz
Fred Allen	George Burns	Groucho Marx
Henny Youngman	Jon Stewart	Larry Ellison
Leo Gallagher	Mark Twain	Mel Brooks
Mike Tyson	Orson Welles	Pierre Berton
Rodney Dangerfield	Samuel Goldwyn	Stephen King
Steve Martin	Tobey Maguire	Tom Lehrer
Will Rogers	William Jennings Bryan	Woody Allen

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