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Quote	Author	Rating	Rate
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."	Steve Martin
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."	Woody Allen
"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."	Steve Martin
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."	Benjamin Franklin
"The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right."	Mark Twain
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read."	Groucho Marx
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."	Mel Brooks
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws."	Douglas Adams
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."	Charles Schulz
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."	Groucho Marx
"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by."	Douglas Adams
"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk."	Stephen King
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."	Orson Welles
"I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table."	Rodney Dangerfield
"I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis."	Douglas Adams
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."	Mark Twain
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."	George Burns
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."	Woody Allen
"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."	Fran Lebowitz
"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands."	Douglas Adams

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Browse Comedy quotes by Author:

Abraham Lincoln	Author Unknown	Benjamin Franklin
Bill Maher	Bobcat Goldthwait	Charles de Gaulle
Charles Schulz	Dorothy Parker	Douglas Adams
Dwight Eisenhower	Ellen DeGeneres	Fran Lebowitz
Fred Allen	George Burns	Groucho Marx
Henny Youngman	Jon Stewart	Larry Ellison
Leo Gallagher	Mark Twain	Mel Brooks
Mike Tyson	Orson Welles	Pierre Berton
Rodney Dangerfield	Samuel Goldwyn	Stephen King
Steve Martin	Tobey Maguire	Tom Lehrer
Will Rogers	William Jennings Bryan	Woody Allen

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