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Quote	Author	Rating	Rate
"The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles."	Bill Maher
"Of course the meek will inherit the earth, what, did you think they'd take it by force?"	Author Unknown
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."	Henny Youngman
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."	Douglas Adams
"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."	Steve Martin
"I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work."	Leo Gallagher
"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."	Mel Brooks
"I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another."	Rodney Dangerfield
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is."	Ellen DeGeneres
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."	Woody Allen
"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"	Will Rogers
"My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am."	Author Unknown
"Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed."	William Jennings Bryan
"When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading."	Author Unknown
"Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me."	Bobcat Goldthwait
"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."	Samuel Goldwyn
"Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance."	Author Unknown
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"	Jon Stewart
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy."	Woody Allen
"When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."	Woody Allen

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Browse Comedy quotes by Author:

Abraham Lincoln	Author Unknown	Benjamin Franklin
Bill Maher	Bobcat Goldthwait	Charles de Gaulle
Charles Schulz	Dorothy Parker	Douglas Adams
Dwight Eisenhower	Ellen DeGeneres	Fran Lebowitz
Fred Allen	George Burns	Groucho Marx
Henny Youngman	Jon Stewart	Larry Ellison
Leo Gallagher	Mark Twain	Mel Brooks
Mike Tyson	Orson Welles	Pierre Berton
Rodney Dangerfield	Samuel Goldwyn	Stephen King
Steve Martin	Tobey Maguire	Tom Lehrer
Will Rogers	William Jennings Bryan	Woody Allen

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