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"The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles."

"Of course the meek will inherit the earth, what, did you think they'd take it by force?"

"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."

"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."

"I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work."

"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."

"I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another."

Rodney Dangerfield

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is."

Ellen DeGeneres

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."

"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"

"My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am."

"Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed."

William Jennings Bryan

"When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading."

"Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me."

Bobcat Goldthwait

"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."

"Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance."

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy."

"When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."

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