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Quote	Author	Rating	Rate
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."	Woody Allen
"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."	Rodney Dangerfield
"I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another."	Rodney Dangerfield
"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by."	Douglas Adams
"I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota."	Fran Lebowitz
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."	Rodney Dangerfield
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."	Henny Youngman
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy."	Woody Allen
"I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work."	Leo Gallagher
"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."	Mel Brooks
"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."	Samuel Goldwyn
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"	Abraham Lincoln
"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands."	Douglas Adams
"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"	Will Rogers
"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."	Fran Lebowitz
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."	Douglas Adams
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."	Woody Allen
"I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table."	Rodney Dangerfield
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."	Woody Allen
"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not."	Fran Lebowitz

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Browse Comedy quotes by Author:

Abraham Lincoln	Author Unknown	Benjamin Franklin
Bill Maher	Bobcat Goldthwait	Charles de Gaulle
Charles Schulz	Dorothy Parker	Douglas Adams
Dwight Eisenhower	Ellen DeGeneres	Fran Lebowitz
Fred Allen	George Burns	Groucho Marx
Henny Youngman	Jon Stewart	Larry Ellison
Leo Gallagher	Mark Twain	Mel Brooks
Mike Tyson	Orson Welles	Pierre Berton
Rodney Dangerfield	Samuel Goldwyn	Stephen King
Steve Martin	Tobey Maguire	Tom Lehrer
Will Rogers	William Jennings Bryan	Woody Allen

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