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"What I just said is the fundamental, end-all, final, not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth, depending on where you're standing."
"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read."
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."
"Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands."
"Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down."
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis."
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another."
"I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
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