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Quote	Author	Rating	Rate
"Nothing you can't spell will ever work."	Will Rogers
"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."	Mel Brooks
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."	Woody Allen
"When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."	Woody Allen
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."	Orson Welles
"The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles."	Bill Maher
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted."	Fred Allen
"A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe."	Pierre Berton
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy."	Woody Allen
"I've occasionally heard that I was kicked out of Harvard for being a Communist, for dealing drugs, for corrupting minors, or for diverse other infractions of local decorum. Unfortunately, none of these rumors are true. The one I've heard more often is that I am dead. That one I encouraged, hoping it would cut down on the junk mail. It didn't."	Tom Lehrer
"Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable."	Fran Lebowitz
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."	Woody Allen
"The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right."	Mark Twain
"Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance."	Author Unknown
"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."	Rodney Dangerfield
"How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?"	Charles de Gaulle
"I don't care what is written about me, so long as it isn't true."	Dorothy Parker
"My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am."	Author Unknown
"Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town."	Steve Martin
"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."	Steve Martin

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Browse Comedy quotes by Author:

Abraham Lincoln	Author Unknown	Benjamin Franklin
Bill Maher	Bobcat Goldthwait	Charles de Gaulle
Charles Schulz	Dorothy Parker	Douglas Adams
Dwight Eisenhower	Ellen DeGeneres	Fran Lebowitz
Fred Allen	George Burns	Groucho Marx
Henny Youngman	Jon Stewart	Larry Ellison
Leo Gallagher	Mark Twain	Mel Brooks
Mike Tyson	Orson Welles	Pierre Berton
Rodney Dangerfield	Samuel Goldwyn	Stephen King
Steve Martin	Tobey Maguire	Tom Lehrer
Will Rogers	William Jennings Bryan	Woody Allen

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