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Quote	Author	Rating	Rate
"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."	Fran Lebowitz
"Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable."	Fran Lebowitz
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted."	Fred Allen
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."	George Burns
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."	Groucho Marx
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read."	Groucho Marx
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."	Henny Youngman
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."	Henny Youngman
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"	Jon Stewart
"My son first wanted to go to Stanford, which I thought was O.K. The weather is pretty good, and it's a fairly short drive to the beach. But it wouldn't be as good as let's say, Pepperdine, which is in Malibu. And he said, 'Dad, what about the education?' I said, 'Clearly, I failed as a parent.'"	Larry Ellison
"I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work."	Leo Gallagher
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times."	Mark Twain
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."	Mark Twain
"The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right."	Mark Twain
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."	Mel Brooks
"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."	Mel Brooks
"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."	Mike Tyson
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."	Orson Welles
"A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe."	Pierre Berton
"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."	Rodney Dangerfield

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Browse Comedy quotes by Author:

Abraham Lincoln	Author Unknown	Benjamin Franklin
Bill Maher	Bobcat Goldthwait	Charles de Gaulle
Charles Schulz	Dorothy Parker	Douglas Adams
Dwight Eisenhower	Ellen DeGeneres	Fran Lebowitz
Fred Allen	George Burns	Groucho Marx
Henny Youngman	Jon Stewart	Larry Ellison
Leo Gallagher	Mark Twain	Mel Brooks
Mike Tyson	Orson Welles	Pierre Berton
Rodney Dangerfield	Samuel Goldwyn	Stephen King
Steve Martin	Tobey Maguire	Tom Lehrer
Will Rogers	William Jennings Bryan	Woody Allen

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