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"There are many silly superstitions about lightning, and as a result many people - maybe even you - are terrified of it. You shouldn't worry. Thanks to modern science we now know that lightning is nothing more than huge chunks of electricity that can come out of the sky, anytime, anywhere, and kill you." Dave Barry 3.888888888888889 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings." Dave Barry 4.285714285714286 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet." Dave Barry 4.666666666666667 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"To defend Western Europe we have to let the Pentagon buy all these tanks and guns and things, and the Pentagon is unable to buy any object that that costs less than a condominium in Vail. If the Pentagon needs, say, fruit, it will argue that it must have fruit that can withstand the rigors of combat conditions, and it will wind up purchasing the FX-700 Seedless Tactical Grape, which will cost $160,000 per bunch, and will have an 83 percent failure rate." Dave Barry 4.571428571428571 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a “pain in the neck,” the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life." Dave Barry 4.666666666666667 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost. This is because the Tokyo street system holds the world outdoor record for randomness. A map of Tokyo looks like a tub of hyperactive bait. There is virtually no street that goes directly from anywhere to anywhere." Dave Barry 4 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami." Dave Barry 4.833333333333333 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"We should enact an 'e' tax. Government agents would roam the country looking for stores whose names contained any word that ended in an unnecessary 'e,' such as 'shoppe' or 'olde,' and the owners of these stores would be taxed at a flat rate of $50,000 per year per 'e.' We should also consider an additional $50,000 'ye' tax, so that the owner of a store called 'Ye Olde Shoppe' would have to fork over $150,000 a year. In extreme cases, such as 'Ye Olde Barne Shoppe,' the owner would simply be taken outside and shot." Dave Barry 4.6875 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail." Dave Barry 4.5 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad." Dave Barry 4.909090909090909 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death." Dave Barry 5 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"When you get right down to it, the Safety Lecture is a silly idea. I mean, if the passengers really thought the plane was going to crash, they wouldn't get on it in the first place, let alone learn how to get an adequate oxygen supply on the way down." Dave Barry 4.25 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Without computers, the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect. This is because the primary function of the government is -- and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution -- 'to spew out paper.'" Dave Barry 4.666666666666667 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry 4.090909090909091 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"" Dave Barry 4.666666666666667 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"You should do your own car repairs. It's an easy way to save money and possibly maim yourself for life." Dave Barry 5 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories with headlines like DOORBELL USE LINKED TO LEUKEMIA and OZONE LAYER COMPLETELY GONE DIRECTLY OVER YOUR HOUSE." Dave Barry 3.6363636363636362 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
""Look closely at Central America, and try to imagine what would happen if this vital region were to fall into Communist hands. What would happen is a lot of Communists would be stung repeatedly by vivious tropical insects the size of mature hamsters." Dave Barry 4.333333333333333 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' - that is the insect motto." Dave Barry 4.090909090909091 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote


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