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Dave Barry
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"I have not felt remotely cool for a long time, thanks largely to the relentless efforts of my teenage son, whose goal in life is to make me feel 3,500 years old. We'll be in the car, and he'll say, 'You wanna hear my new CD?' And I, flattered that he thinks his old man might like the same music he does, will say 'Sure!' So he increases the sound-system volume setting from '4' to 'Meteor Impact,' and he puts in a CD by a band with a name like 'Pustule,' and the next thing I know gigantic nuclear bass notes have blown out all the car windows and activated both the driver- and passenger-side air bags, and I'm writhing on the floor, screaming for mercy with jets of blood spurting three feet from my ears. My son then ejects the CD, smiling contentedly, knowing he as purchased a winner. On those extremely rare occasions when I like one of his CDs, I imagine he destroys it with a blowtorch." -
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Top 5 quotes from Dave Barry
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."
"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."
"You should do your own car repairs. It's an easy way to save money and possibly maim yourself for life."
"Over the next hundred years or so football saw a great many major innovations and refinements that are too boring to even think about. Along the way professional football came into being so that the largest and most violent college players would have a way to earn money other than simply demanding it from innocent civilians."
"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."
Top 5 quotes from Dave Barry
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above- average drivers."
"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."
"Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate."
"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad."
"Males have a lot of trouble not looking at breasts. What is worse, males cannot look at breasts and think at the same time. In fact, scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. This was proved in a famous 1978 laboratory experiment wherein a team of leading male psychological researchers at Yale deliberately looked at photographs of breasts every day for two years, at the end of which they concluded that they had failed to take any notes. "We forgot," they said. "We'll have to do it over.""
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