» Add Quotes to Your Site - Quote Generator Add Quotes to Your Site - Quote Generator
add quote of the day, random quotes or by topic (e.g. funny quotes)

Quote DB :: Comedy :: Jack Handey Search in this category


Quote Author Rating Rate
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?" Jack Handey 4 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." Jack Handey 5 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him." Jack Handey 4.666666666666667 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around." Jack Handey 3.3333333333333335 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away." Jack Handey 4.75 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition." Jack Handey 4.125 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it." Jack Handey 4.714285714285714 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk." Jack Handey 4.454545454545454 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness." Jack Handey 4.428571428571429 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." Jack Handey 4.857142857142857 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me." Jack Handey 4.75 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." Jack Handey 4.428571428571429 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote


<< Previous 1 2


Browse Jack Handey quotes by Author:
Jack Handey  













 
| privacy