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Dave Barry

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"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter."	Dave Barry
"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter."	Dave Barry
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."	Dave Barry
"Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough."	Dave Barry
"Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case."	Dave Barry
"Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.)"	Dave Barry
"The ACLU is always yakking about the Constitution, and most of us are getting mighty tired of it. I mean, if the Constitution is so great, how come it was amended so many times? Huh?"	Dave Barry
"The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read, and they have far more teeth than would be necessary for a strictly seafood diet. Their mouths look like the entire $39.95 set of Ginsu knives, including the handy Arm Slicer."	Dave Barry
"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery."	Dave Barry, Politics
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."	Dave Barry
"The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM."	Dave Barry
"The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number."	Dave Barry
"The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other..."	Dave Barry, Internet
"The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat."	Dave Barry, Internet
"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."	Dave Barry
"The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice."	Dave Barry, Politics
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above- average drivers."	Dave Barry
"The only flaw in the Hinckley trial is that it left a lot of people with the impression that psychiatrists are just a bunch of bearded voodoo doctors who espouse confusing and wildly contradictory theories that have nothing to do with common sense. This is totally unfair. Many psychiatrists are clean-shaven."	Dave Barry
"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."	Dave Barry
"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."	Dave Barry

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