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Clever Jabs
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Dave Barry
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Jack Handey
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Steven Wright
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The Simpsons
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"What I just said is the fundamental, end-all, final, not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth, depending on where you're standing."
Steve Martin
"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."
Samuel Goldwyn
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."
Douglas Adams
"Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me."
Bobcat Goldthwait
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
Jon Stewart
"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands."
Douglas Adams
"Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down."
Steve Martin
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
Charles Schulz
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
Woody Allen
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
Henny Youngman
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
Henny Youngman
"I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis."
Douglas Adams
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws."
Douglas Adams
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
George Burns
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield
"I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another."
Rodney Dangerfield
"I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table."
Rodney Dangerfield
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeneres
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