jack-handey Quotes. jack-handey Quotations Interactive Database. Page #1

�	Add Quotes to Your Site - Quote Generator add quote of the day, random quotes or by topic (e.g. funny quotes)

Quote DB :: Comedy :: Jack Handey Search in this category

Quote	Author	Rating	Rate
"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"	Jack Handey
"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."	Jack Handey
"Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again."	Jack Handey
"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!"	Jack Handey
"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."	Jack Handey
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."	Jack Handey
"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'"	Jack Handey
"Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings."	Jack Handey
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."	Jack Handey
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."	Jack Handey
"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."	Jack Handey
"When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me."	Jack Handey
"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it."	Jack Handey
"I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him."	Jack Handey
"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling."	Jack Handey
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."	Jack Handey
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."	Jack Handey
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."	Jack Handey
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."	Jack Handey
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."	Jack Handey

1 2 Next >>

Browse Jack Handey quotes by Author:

Jack Handey

� Copyright QuoteDB.com

privacy

- Get a Quote
  
  in your email every day!
  
  We respect your privacy.
  You can unsubscribe at any time.

Get a random quote daily in your email!