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"I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime," so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance."
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"I almost had a pyschic girlfriend, but she left me before we met."
"I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night."
"I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't part anywhere near the place."
"I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
"Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it."
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
"I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it..."
"I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
"Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'?"
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