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"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in the oposite direction."
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."
"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything."

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